By Sophia Willard ‘29
The Ashtray is the satire column of The Phoenix. All included conversations are fabricated.
This November has proved itself to be more windy than any other in Sarah Lawrence College (SLC) history. Although some may blame it on the change of seasons, The Phoenix’s dedicated journalists have brought the true reason to light.
The gusty weather has been attributed to a recent development in SLC’s Campbell Sports Center. The gym’s only hip abductor machine is currently out of order, and in the absence of the arduous reps it provides to loyal users, the unfortunate trend of deflating glutei has begun to occur across campus.
“It hit me like a train as I was walking to breakfast,” said Bates Bruncher ‘30 in regard to the winds, “at first I thought it was about to storm or something, but then I realized it was coming from the guy in front of me!” After tracking down the poor individual from whom the gust came, a fuller picture was painted.
“The deflation started a few days after I had to skip the hip abductor,” Bottomless Bryan ‘28 said with tears in his eyes. The Junior, an avid gym-goer who never skips leg day, preferred to remain anonymous, instead requesting his pseudonym, stating that “it was a better fit for his shame surrounding his waning behind.”
The gales plaguing campus are predicted to grow worse as the hip abductor remains out of order, and the fear surrounding loss of mass is tangible upon entering the sports center. In an attempt to mitigate the widespread panic, SLC President Cristle Collins Judd released a statement via email addressing the crisis. The President advised against students opening umbrellas near each other, going to extreme lengths to do their hair, or wearing flowy clothing that could get caught in a breeze; in fact, Judd announced that she had to retire her favorite green peacoat for the time being until the winds subside. The President capped off her statement with a final phrase, “Sarah Lawrence will get through the pandemic of rigid behinds by the power of my favorite motto: #thatssosarahlawrence — together, we are flat.”
If you or a loved one has been affected by Campbell’s shortcoming, a support group is being organized Mondays at 5 p.m. in Wendy’s Studio, wherein guided glute exercises will be conducted. For the sake of our glutes here at SLC, we can only hope a timeline for the hip abductor machine’s reinstatement will be released soon.
