Rejected Instagram Ad For Sarah Lawrence Giving Day

by Hrannar Björnsson

Sarah Lawrence’s annual Giving Day is coming up, and the administration is so excited to accept all of your donations to the most expensive/poorest college in the world! To prepare for this glorious day, let’s hear from those who will benefit from your donations: real Sarah Lawrence students with real Sarah Lawrence experiences.

Trason Scalpel ‘21

“I love that students can develop their own unique conference projects at Sarah Lawrence. Sure, some are overly ambitious, but if you listen to students talk about their conference projects at length, you’ll find that they’re also poorly researched and uninteresting.”

Tarot Card ‘23

“The student art exhibits here are so special. People will get together in Heimbold to celebrate each other’s work, similar to how you celebrate a group photo by focusing on yourself in the picture and ignoring everyone else, judging the quality of the outcome entirely based on your own face.”

Meet N. Greet ‘21

“One time the president of Sarah Lawrence came to my dorm room and talked to me about my academic journey at SLC all day. And then when I told her I had some work to do, she wouldn’t leave. Instead, she chugged four hard seltzers, ate all my Cheez-Its, and then threw up on my roommate. We’re such a tight-knit community.”

Warbara Balters ‘21

“Before coming here, I was like: I’m going to act because I’m the next Carrie Fisher. But now, with some guidance from the professors here, I’ve learned to come to terms with my limitations as a performer and, consequently, have lowered my expectations in life to almost nothing. I really thought I wanted to be a famous actress, but now I’ve realized my dreams are nothing but naïve fantasies. It’s been a really fun experience.”

Leverett Napkin ‘22

“I’ve always known that dancing was my calling in life. But at Sarah Lawrence, I’m discovering things that I’m sort of passionate about, like storyboarding and projection design. And after I stopped dancing to focus on these more practical passions, I just could be happier, and I have regrets.”

Twenty Four ‘24

“Last year, we received a lot of donations, but one special gift stood out from the rest. So now, with immense excitement, it’s time to announce the construction of the 2025 Rahm Emanuel Campus Octagon! We’ll finally have the opportunity to explore our artistic and over-the-top personalities in a much-needed, communal fighting stadium.”

Quembus Menstrualcycle ‘25

“But our glorious, full-size UFC cage with a seating capacity of 25,000 and a state of the art press box, which will replace the Health & Wellness Center, presents us with a problem: how do we thank SLC alum and former Chicago mayor, Rahm Emanuel ‘81, for his generous donation?”

Squelf Theeatur ‘23

“This is no simple task because if there’s one thing we hold dear here at Sarah Lawrence, it’s that, with hard work, anything can become a venue to showcase our ridiculously theatrical way of being. And showing simple gratitude to a person that will never see this Instagram ad is no exception.”

SCRONIE #000703373 ‘22

“Sarah Lawrence students know that nothing is simple. Everything is complicated for some reason.”

Hrannar Björnsson ‘21

“At this point, we, the Sarah Lawrence students who won’t benefit from your donation because we’ll have already graduated, have but one recourse: thank you, Rahm.”

*Disclaimer: This article was published under the Ashtray, the satire and humor section of the Phoenix. Please don’t take it seriously.